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Scene 1 :: Scene 2 :: Scene 3
Mr Rumbold's Ford Granada estate is outside his house in the suburbs. The staff is coming down the path with their suitcases.
Mr Humphries: (Carrying two heavy suitcases) Offff. You know I told my mother that I wanted to travel light but she wouldn't hear of it. As I told her I was going away for two week she packed one of my suitcases with clothes and the other one full of hot water bottles and baked beans.
Captain Peacock: It's the same with Mrs Peacock as well. (Struggles) As I told her I was going away for two weeks and it wasn't very likely to pour she unpacked all my shorts as she thought they would attract the women. So instead she packed two full suitcases with long trousers and top hats and tails saying that as I look so ridiculous in them not even a beaver would take a fancy to me.
Mrs Slocombe: You know. I was determined to bring my pussy with me. So I tried to pack it in a suitcase. But her nails haven't been but for a while and she uses them to open everything. So before I knew it she'd scratched through the lining, ran off and decided to go next door. She usually goes next door for a week if she gets upset. So before I knew it I had a lot of sewing to do.
Mr Lucas: Well Mrs Slocombe. You should have asked Mr Humphries to come round and sew it for you after all you have had a lot of experience with a needle and thread haven't you Mr Humphries?
Captain Peacock: Mr Lucas. That will do.
Miss Brahms: Ere. Ave I gotta carry your suitcases around all day. I'm not a skivvy you know. If you want to attract any of the men on this trip you've got to get some exercise in myself. I've had plenty in the last two years I can tell you.
Captain Peacock: That doesn't surprise me I'm afraid, Miss Brahms.
Mr Lucas: Year. I mean Mrs Slocombe can't lift a suitcase at her time of life. I mean lets face it any exercise could show the wrinkles. (Mrs Slocombe gives him a despising look).
Mr Humphries: Well how do you think it feels for me and Captain Peacock. We both have to carry our own you know and these are more heavier then the few light weighed bags you've just carried in.
Mr Lucas: Accept Mrs Slocombe of course. (Mrs Slocombe stamps on his foot) Owww. Well. What about me. I mean I have to carry my own stuff into the car and I've got two suitcases.
Captain Peacock: True. But with your small nest stag I'm surprised you can even bring a string vest. (Lucas goes goggled eyed).
Mr Rumbold: Look. Come on everybody. I want to avoid the traffic. Come on. Lets get in.
Mr Harman: Your cases and deckchairs have now been tied to the roof Mr Rumbold.
Mr Rumbold: Oh yes. Thank you Mr Harman. I didn't want my cases to be in the back. Knowing the sort of junk they'd bring I think it would all be squashed by the time we reach Dorking.
Mr Harman: Right sir.
Miss Brahms: Ere. Why have you put all of "jug ears' " suitcases on the roof?
Mr Harman: Cause he doesn't want them to be squashed by your junk.
Miss Brahms: What a bloody cheek.
Mrs Slocombe: Yes. And after all that effort I made to put my suitcases in the back. (They all look confused at Mrs Slocombe).
Mr Rumbold: Right. Now after you've put all my suitcases in the back we can deal with the seating arrangements. (They all dump their suitcases on Mr Rumbold. He looks confused but packs them into the back of the car anyway with Mr Harman giving him a hand). Right. Now Captain Peacock will sit with me and guide me on my directions, Mr Harman will sit in the very back to look after the cases and of course keep an eye on the back as I can't see through the wind mirror and all that's left it for 3 of you to go on the back seat and somebody to sit with Mr Harman.
Mrs Slocombe: Well. I think it should just be two sitting in the back seat as we don't want to cause an accident and Mr Lucas and Mr Humphries can go in the back with Mr Harman.
Mr Humphries: Well pardon me for saying this but I think I should sit in their with you as I'm senior.
Miss Brahms: Year. But ladies should have room.
Mr Lucas: Yes. Especially as Mrs Slocombe's sitting in the back. (A row then starts between the four of them).
Mr Rumbold: Ladies, gentlemen please. Captain Peacock. What do you think we should do?
Captain Peacock: Is sitting in the car reading the map) Turn left at Dorking sir?
To Be Continued!
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