: Richard's Fanfiction (Printer Friendly Version)
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Scene 1 :: Scene 2 :: Scene 3
(Mr Rumbold is at his desk sorting through his papers. His secretary is working on the wires and is leaning over in the usual position showing all her posterior. There is a knock on the door.
Mr Rumbold: Come in. (They all come in) Ah. Just in time. Now....
Mrs Slocombe: Stop, Mr Rumbold. We know exactly what you've brought us in here for and we think it's a disgrace you docking our wages again. We can't afford a holiday any more. I'm even getting desperate for food shopping. I mean my pussy is forcing me to lay my hands on anything that I can find.
Mr Humphries: Hmm. (To Lucas) Surprising to say that we didn't have a general election. (Lucas nods his head).
Mr Rumbold: I haven't brought you in here to dock your wages or to make sure that your cat starves to death. I'm just in here to give you a little surprise.
Captain Peacock: What's that going to be? Are we going to get a higher position in our work life and then have it taken over by Mr Grace's secretary?
Mr Rumbold: No, no. But please. Sit down all of you. There's plenty of chairs.
Mr Harman: (comes in). Morning tea. I've managed to rustle up some sandwiches as this is a special occasion.
Mr Rumbold: Ah. (Puts his hands together) That is good. Put it down there please.
Mr Harman: Right.
Miss Brahms: Ere. What's this all about.
Secretary: I'm not supposed to tell you. All I can say is that old Jug Ears has forked out for a change.
Mr Rumbold: Right. Switch off the lights Mr Harman when....
Mr Harman: Right. (Switches them off and Rumbold trips over going on top of the secretary).
Mr Rumbold: Mr Harman. I meant switch them off after the staff have got there tea and sandwiches.
Mr Lucas: He's on top form today isn't he? (Chuckles).
Mr Harman: There you are Mr Humphries. Captain Peacock. (Gives them cups of tea and a few sandwiches. Have a nice tea.
Mr Humphries: Thank you.
Captain Peacock: Cucumber sandwiches? At 11 o'clock in the morning? We weren't allowed anything like this in the desert. Know. As far as I can remember we weren't allowed a crumb until one o'clock. And that was just some stale nan bread. The sort of usual treatment we have at staff meetings. But this. This is unbelievable.
Mr Humphries: Yes. How much did Mr Grace pay for these Mr Rumbold.
Mr Rumbold: Ah. Well. The whole amount came to 5 pounds you see so I had to take it out of my wages. So there.
Mr Harman: Ready?
Mr Rumbold: Um? Oh yes. Yes we are. Come on then. Let's get the thing set on. (Turns the lights off).
Mrs Slocombe: I wonder what this is all about.
Captain Peacock: I don't know. It's probably talking about our pay rise. But that's not until 1985 at least.
Mr Rumbold: Now. If I could just have your attention. Now. As you may all know 1979 has been a difficult year for all of us. I even have had to take a 40 percent cut since the last election. But I have managed to have a word with Mr Grace about a way of making this up.
Mr Lucas: I thought he was conservative. I wouldn't think he'd want anything to go any way except his.
Mr Rumbold: Well. That's where you're wrong. You see I told him that as you have all had at least 60 percent cuts of your pay packets it is fair that the firm should give you all a free holiday.
Mrs Slocombe: That's brilliant.
Mr Humphries: It is isn't it?
Captain Peacock: Where is this holiday then?
Mr Rumbold: Ah. Well. If I could just switch it on. Switch it on Miss Rhubarb. (She switches it on) Ah. Yes. Now here it is. The Dorset cliffs. Here is the little town of Fortuneswell. Can you all see it?
Mr Lucas: How can we see it. Your ears are blocking the English Channel.
Mr Humphries: Oh no. Wait. I can see a couple on those cliffs.
Captain Peacock: What are they doing?
Mr Humphries: I don't know but I think it's French style. (Captain Peacock eyes goggle).
Mr Rumbold: Anyway. On these cliffs here where the French... Erm.... Is a cottage in which Mr Grace has owned for many years. Now apparently for the last 20 years a friend of Mr Grace has been a tenant in that cottage but he left last year to move to Australia so Mr Grace seeing how he has no particular use for it anymore has allowed us for a minimum rent to have a two week stay there. What do you think.
Mrs Slocombe: What does it look like?
MR Rumbold: Ah. Well. Next side please, Miss Rhubarb. (The slide changes) Ah. Here it is. Foxely cottage. A quite little liaison on the cliffs of Dover with just a vague view of Bordeaux.
Mr Humphries: I think he means the wine store (Peacock tuts).
Mr Rumbold: Anyway. Who's keen on the idea? (They all put their hands up) One, two, three.... Oh. I see you're all keen on the idea. There's just one problem. You're not allowed to take wife's, boyfriends or pets. (They all put their hands down) But you can take booze. (They put their hands up again).
Captain Peacock: Mr Humphries. I didn't know you had any pets.
Mr Humphries: Oh no. I've actually been seeing somebody recently.
Captain Peacock: Eh?
Mr Humphries: Yes. I've gotten friendly with this person from the milk float. We see each other every morning and on Saturdays in the town.
MR Lucas: What's his name?
Mr Humphries: His name Mr Lucas is Sarah Bright. She's the milk woman who circulates in Clapham.
Miss Brahms: I think I know here. She spends a lot of time at the boxers house.
Mr Lucas: Why? Does she wear them?
Miss Brahms I mean this other bloke. I've seen them together in the park on Sunday's.
Mr Humphries: The cheeky young slut. I'll have a word with her about that.
Mr Lucas: Maybe Captain Peacock could have a word with the other bloke with his boxing abilities.
Captain Peacock: It's nice to hear you say that Mr Lucas. But I think it should be left to a younger man. (Goggles his eyes at him).
Mr Rumbold: Can we get back to the matter in hand please. Now. This is the time that we'll be leaving at. Now. I would like you all including Mr Harman to be at my house this Saturday at 9:00 sharp in order to avoid the traffic.
Mr Lucas: What do you mean including Mr Harman?
Mr Rumbold: Well Mr Harman is an expert on electrics you see.
Mr Harman: Yes. I'm coming along in case something gets one wire short of a fuse. Like Captain Peacock for example. (Captain Peacock gives him a despising look).
Mr Rumbold: Anyway. Those are the details. Now you may all go back to your counters and talk about this if you may. (They all go out).
To Be Continued!
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