"Are You Free for a Raise?"

A Fan Fic by Diana Yarswick, a.k.a. Laurel MacKenzie

Disclaimer: The copyrighted characters are used in accordance with "Fair Use" guidelines. No financial profit is made off of this fanwork and the author(s) does not imply that they have ownership of the copyrights. Please contact the author(s) of this fanwork directly if you have any questions or concerns.

Opening credits and theme song
Open on Mr. Rumbold's office
He is seated and reading the tally sheets as Captain Peacock enters.

Rumbold: Thank you for coming in early Peacock, I have a serious matter to discuss with you. Please do sit down.

Peacock: (sits) You sounded urgent sir, when you rang my house at 0600 hours this morning.

Rumbold: Sorry if I knocked you up Peacock, and apologize to your wife as well.

Peacock: Quite all right sir, she would have aroused me in an hour anyway. What is the urgent matters?

Rumbold: As you know, Mr. Prentice has been asked to remove himself from the board due to inappropriate behavior.

Peacock: That's what we'd heard sir. Will Mr. Grace's secretary recover?

Rumbold: That remains to be seen, Captain Peacock, we are looking at her complaint and the teeth marks.

Peacock: If you need a second opinion sir, I did make the first aid merit badge as a scout and would be more than happy to take a took at her...

Rumbold: No! No, Peacock, I don't think that will be necessary.

Peacock: Have you seen the girl? is she offering charges?

Rumbold: (leans back in his chair) No, but where this IS a complicated matter, we have decided at (glances up) Boardroom level that we must replace him as quickly as possible with someone as far from unethical as possible so to avoid any embarrassment to Grace Brothers.

Peacock: Has the staff been informed yet sir?

Rumbold: Not as yet, so we must hold a staff meeting tonight after the store closes.

Peacock: That will not be easy sir, as Mrs. Slocombe has informed me that she has to rush away today as her pussy needs the attention of a specialist

Rumbold: I see... well...you see if you can arrange to inform the entire staff that they are required at a confidential meeting.

Peacock: (sighs) I shall do my best sir.

Shot of lift opening
Mrs. Slocombe and Mr. Humphries alight carefully struggling with a canteen table.
They start down the stairs.

Slocombe: Do be careful Mr. Humphries! It's very difficult going down backwards with a strong man on top.

Humphries: Don't look at me! I've never gone this way with a woman either. I'm doing me best

Slocombe: I don't understand why we must move furniture from the canteen for one of Captain Peacock's whims.

Humphries: I find that when Captain Peacock asks for something ridiculous, (pauses) it usually is.

Slocombe: Fancy! Having to do maintenance work at my time of life.

Humphries: (aside) Fancy doing anything at your time of life.

As they reach the bottom step,
Peacock enters from Menswear and points out a position for the table.

Slocombe: I would like to know why a woman is doing man's work?

Humphries: I was wondering that...

Peacock: I thought it would be obvious, we need the extra display space for the new ladies silk nightshirt and sheets.

Slocombe: I hope you realize what a dangerous combination that is, Captain Peacock. We could have people slipping right out of their beds!

Humphries: Yes! Someone could do themselves a mischief!

Slocombe: I do appreciate the space, but really... making me lift and carry!

Humphries: I almost perspired! (waves hand like a fan)

Peacock: (ahem) Well, yes, now get about your business, oh and by the way, Mr. Rumbold and I need four more for tonight.

Slocombe + Humphries: Captain Peacock!!! (shocked)

Peacock: Oh and get Spooner as well.

Humphries: Well! Things are looking up.

Peacock: Yes at erh... 1800 hours in the erh ... canteen.

Slocombe: We've never done it there before.

Humphries: No, I never have either, but I'll try anything once. Well... nearly anything.

Peacock: This is a FYEO meeting, very hush hush.

Slocombe: Y'what?

Peacock: For your ears only!

Humphries + Slocombe: (light dawns) Ohhhhhh.

Humphries: I interpreted it quite differently.

Mr. Spooner enters with Miss Brahms from the ladies fitting room a bit disheveled.

Slocombe: Miss Brahms! What is the meaning of this?

Brahms: (stalling fixes hair, bow) Oh... Well Mr. Spooner 'ere was 'elping me take things down, eh 'elping me with the stock, Mrs. Slocombe.

Slocombe: Really?!! I see! Well Mr. Spooner, now that You've taken stock of Miss Brahms, I mean with Miss Brahms, Ohhh get back to your counter. Daft boy!

Spooner: Mrs. Slocombe, it's a shame it's such an early hour.

Slocombe: Why is that?

Spooner: Because if it were evening, you would 'ave an excuse for looking so tired and crabby.

Slocombe: You watch your step, lad. I'll not bandy words with you after straining miself with Mr. Humphries over the silk sheets.

Mr. Spooner and Miss Brahms exchange glances as he moves towards Menswear.

Slocombe: Honestly Miss Brahms, I don't understand what you see in that daft boy. He's thick as a plank!

Brahms: I'm telling you 'e were 'elping me move stock to a lower shelf where we could reach it. That is all!

Slocombe: I see. Well, stay here I need you to cover for me. I need to speak to Captain Peacock. Captain Peacock, are you free?

Peacock glances about and beckons her over.
We follow her all the way over to Menswear where we catch the end of a discussion.

Humphries: (enrapt) You mean to say that she let you take them down without asking?

Spooner: All I said was, if they was lower, we could get at it easier.

Humphries: Really?

Enter Mr. Harman, pushing trolley, and singing.

Harman: Isn't it awfully nice to 'ave friends to rely upon?

Peacock: Harman, this is the limit! You know the rules.

Harman: Captain Peacock, I 'ave been summoned with my trolley to make an emergency delivery.

Peacock: An emergency delivery??? (incredulous)

Harman: Yes, and all I am at liberty to tell yous is it's got to do with um... (whispers) naughty nighties.

Peacock: Do you mean the "Smooth and Sexy Silky Sleepwear"?

Harman: Spot on.

Peacock: That's for me.

Harman: (double take) Wot!!!

Peacock: I mean this is the display area.

Harman: I see- I'll get down to it then.

Peacock: Do! And don't sing.

Harman whistles -- Whistle while you work and begins to set up display.

He covers table with a red silk sheet and pulls out a waist up mannequin in a black silk baby doll nightie.

Peacock: (moves in to inspect the price tag and glances away) Hmmm, a snip at £.32.

Harman: (laughing) And good value too wouldn't wear it long enough to wear it out.

Peacock: Get off the floor!!!

Harman: Oh I am sorry, Stephen, but I have something for the men as well.

Peacock: Very well. Mr. Humphries, are you free?

Humphries: I'm free!

Mr. Harman: Yeah the gents is waiting for me, must dash.

Humphries: Come show us what you've got for us.

Harman: Coming right up.

Humphries: So, show me everything.

Harman reaches into his trolley and pulls out several boxes. He opens one and removes a silk handkerchief.

Humphries: Lovely, oh just look, aren't they soft and look at the lovely colors! Paisley, plaid and solids, I say.

Spooner: I'll say. You could really get someone's attention waving one of those.

Humphries: I did that once. Yes, the Queen was on a walkabout, I took out me hankie and waved it about. Everyone took notice of me. No one even saw her.

Spooner: Why? What kind of hankie was it?

Humphries: It wasn't me hankie, it was me bingo winnings. All the notes floated away on the breeze. People were clamoring all over me trying to get lucky.

Spooner: Did you get 'urt?

Humphries: No, I quite enjoyed it and I did meet the nicest crossing guard, he let me hold his lollipop.

Spooner: I'll take your word for it. Did you ever get your lolly back?

Humphries: No, but 'e did. (wide eyed)

Cut to meeting in canteen

Rumbold: Are we all gathered?

Manageress (Diana) enters

Diana: Wot are you lot doin' 'ere at this hour?

Rumbold: We are having a meeting, if you don't mind.

Diana: Well, I do mind. I got tables to scrub and floors to wash and..

Spooner: Food to burn.

Diana: Belt up you! I work 'ard around 'ere and for wot? So you lot can complain about my cookin?

Humphries: That's not true, we don't all complain about your cooking.

Peacock: No, we complain about your prices as well.

Diana: Oh you! Well, you better be out by 6:30 that's when the lights goes out

Brahms: You should put them out at dinnertime so's we don't 'ave to see wot we're eating!

Diana glares and exits in a huff.

Rumbold: Right! Now where were we?

Peacock: We haven't started yet.

Rumbold: Right, well, let's get down to it then shall we?

Humphries: I'm all for that.

Peacock: Let's just explain why we're sitting here surrounded by nasty waitresses and lights on a timer, shall we?

Rumbold: What do you mean?

Peacock: Why are we meeting in the canteen?

Rumbold: Oh, I see. Well, come to think of it, I'm not sure.

Humphries: Captain Peacock, it was you suggested we do it in the canteen.

Peacock: So I did, I thought perhaps we could all enjoy a hot cup of tea.

Humphries: I never enjoy hot tea 'ere.

Peacock: Why not?

Humphries: It's never 'ot.

Rumbold: Well, be that as it may, I think we're all aware of the canteen manageress' position on that.

Spooner: I'd be dead scared to ask 'er for one.

Slocombe: So would I and I am unanimous in that.

Rumbold: Lets do it, then.

Humphries. I was hoping someone would say that tonight.

Slocombe: Oh, get on with it!

Brahms: Yeah.

Peacock: Why not?

Spooner: No.

Rumbold: Right! Well this is highly confidential but apparently Mr. Prentice…

Cut to Mr. Harman washing floor and trying to eavesdrop

Slocombe: Mr. Harman! This is a private conflab, remove yourself!

Harman: You 'ave no aufority over me Mrs. Slocombe.

Rumbold: (stands and removes his glasses)

Mr. Harman walks out pushing a bucket with the mop and whistling.

Rumbold: As I said, Mr. Prentice is out and being next on the managerial ladder, I have been asked to take his place on the board.

Peacock: I thought there were several members of staff in line for that job.

Rumbold: Yes ... well, they um ... declined the offer.

Peacock: I see (exchanges knowing glances with the staff who smirk in return).

Rumbold: That of course leaves my office vacant and we... would you mind standing Captain Peacock? (he does). We at Grace Brothers would like to see you in a new position.

Humphries: So would I.

(applause from staff)

Peacock: I must say, what a pleasant surprise! I'd no idea I was even considered for the post! The board actually voted for me?

Slocombe: Whadya mean? You said at lunch time you'd resign if you didn't get any.

Peacock: Yes, well. This is still an honor for me but who will take over for me as Floorwalker?

Rumbold: It may surprise some of you to know, we have selected someone who is dedicated, friendly and in senior position here.

Humphries: (stands and bows head as he speaks) Thank you, but I really can't accept, I would miss handling all the customers.

Rumbold: Good gracious Mr. Humphries, it's not you. It's Mrs. Slocombe.

Brahms: D'you 'ear that Mrs. Slocombe? They want to 'ave a woman on the floor! Fancy!

Slocombe: About time too. We haven't had one for years now. I think I will be able to make a big impression.

Spooner: Well, 'alf right.

Rumbold: Of course now we to the moment I've been waiting for, the removal of Miss Brahms' junior blouse.

Brahms: (grabs bosom) Blooming cheek!!!

Rumbold: What I mean to say is Miss Brahms, would you consider stepping into Mrs. Slocombe's shoes?

Brahms: Oh my I can 'ardly believe it...me ... really? Oh Mrs. Slocombe, aren't you 'appy for me?

Slocombe: Yes dear, I hope you can cope with the demands.

Brahms: (feigns seriousness) Why yes, Mrs. Slocombe, after all you've been me guiding 'and…

Humphries: I wish I had one of those.

All chatter. Cut to next morning

Spooner: But why do you need me there? I'm not getting anything.

Humphries: Mr. Spooner, where is your spirit? If you were being elevated I'm sure we'd all want to watch.

Spooner: Well, it all seems so silly.

Humphries: You've obviously never seen it done properly. It's actually quite stirring.

Spooner: Aowww, no. I'd rather be down to Soho tonight.

Humphries: So would I.

Pan to ladies and hear Mrs. Slocombe and Miss Brahms' morning gossip

Slocombe: So I just left a note on the pillow.

Brahms: D' you think e'll see it?

Slocombe: He should! I left it right in the basin in the loo.

Brahms: Why would you leave a note to the plumber on a pillow in the sink?

Slocombe: Because, with that infernal dripping I couldn't get a wink of sleep. My pussy was up all night with it as well.

Brahms: Really?

Slocombe: Yes, it was she first alerted me to the problem. She hopped up on my lap for a cuddle, drenched.

Brahms: Poor thing.

Slocombe: Yes, nothing worse than a wet pussy.

Brahms: Yeah.

A customer approaches

Slocombe: Are you being served, Madame?

Cut to evening and floor decorated tastefully with blue and white streamers

Rumbold: Is everything in readiness?

Harman: Yes sir, the staff is waiting and eager, Mr. Rumbold, shall I?

Rumbold: Oh yell, Harman, let them in.

Mr. Harman presses the lift button and naturally it remains shut. Confused, he presses it again and the other lift opens. It is empty.

Rumbold: Really, Harman.

The staff, trapped in the other lift begin to sing "Why are we waiting?"
We hear a loud bang and the lift opens to show the entire staff from the waist up with frustration looming about their faces.

Rumbold: Get them out of there Harman.

Harman: Yes sir, yes sir, right away sir. (Saluting)

He goes offstage and returns with a bucket

Harman: 'ere you go, a instant leg up.

The men assist the ladies and Mrs. Slocombe observes the men getting an eyeful of Miss Brahms' backside.

Slocombe: I hope you don't think you are getting a peekaboo up MY dress!

Every man in the room turns his back on her in unison, save Mr. Rumbold. She climbs out and we get a full view of her Union Jack drawers.

Rumbold: Mrs. Slocombe! Do you always display the flag in that fashion?

Mrs. Slocombe grabs her hem line

Slocombe: Well, it IS a special occasion!

Peacock to Humphries: Can you make it up?

Humphries: Surprisingly enough, yes.

They all make it out of the lift and assemble at the top of the stairs.
They descend together and form a semi circle around Mr. Rumbold
We realize that we are seeing a ceremony as mysterious as that at the Tower of London. Mr. Rumbold nods and Captain Peacock approaches. Rumbold removes Peacock's red carnation and replaces it with a white one. They shake hands.

Spooner to Humphries: 'ell be kissing 'im on both cheeks next.

Humphries: Oh that'll be nice.

Captain Peacock receives a key to his "new" office and bows to Mr. Rumbold.
Rumbold returns to the line up.
Mrs. Slocombe steps forward, glancing back at Mr. Humphries who gives her "that Grin". She fights tears as Captain Peacock pins on a red carnation and kisses her hand.
She is flattered and blushes.

Spooner to Humphries: Where's 'er bowler 'at?

Humphries: Shut up! (fights tears himself)

Peacock backs away.
Mrs. Slocombe nods to Shirley and she nears and curtseys, then turns her back on Mrs. Slocombe.
Mrs. Slocombe ties a dickey of frills to Miss Brahms' neck. She turns back around and Mrs. Slocombe steps back to admire them.

Rumbold: Now for the new wage packets. Harman?

Mr. Harman gives a handful of envelopes to Mr. Rumbold. As Rumbold calls each name they step forward and he hands over.

Rumbold: Miss Brahms, Mrs. Slocombe, and finally Captain Peacock.

Humphries: Let's hear it for all the new positions you've gotten into.

Humphries, Spooner, Rumbold, Harman: Hip Hip hooray!! Hip Hip Hooray!!! Hip Hip…

It's the lift!!
Young Mr. Grace alights with Goddard and descends.

Grace: Stop! Stop! Stop everything!!

Peacock: Stop? We're done! Everyone's been elevated.

Humphries: Except me.

Rumbold: What's the matter, sir?

Grace: My secretary's solicitor just rang and said that she was willing to drop the charges in exchange for one small About AYBS
Cast List

Humphries to Slocombe: The story of my life.

Rumbold: What's that sir? I'm sure it can be arranged.

Grace: A seat on the Board!

All: ( look up to ceiling and say) Oh No!!

Grace: Oh yes, and I've found one for her.

Rumbold: Really sir? Whose?

Grace: Yours, ya fool. Well you've all done very well.

Goddard escorts Mr. Grace off towards Menswear.
Rumbold puts his hand out and Peacock surrenders the key. Rumbold clears his throat and Captain Peacock hands over his pay envelope as well. Rumbold exits to Menswear.
Peacock takes scissors out of his pocket as he walks over to Mrs. Slocombe. He snips off her flower and she watches it fall to the floor. She reluctantly hands over her wages.

Mrs. Slocombe turns to Miss Brahms and she is already untying the frills and hands them over. Mrs. Slocombe snaps her fingers and Miss Brahms reaches into her cleavage to retrieve the rise. Mrs. Slocombe walks off and Miss Brahms follows tier to Ladies.

Spooner: I 'aven't seen this many returns since Boxing Day.

He hands a new silk hankie to Mr. Humphries and walks off to Menswear.

Humphries: All back to normal. (pause) Except for me, of course.

Goes off waving hankie at us.
Music cue the end.

You have been reading:
Mollie Sugden as Mrs. Slocombe
John Inman as Mr. Humphries
Frank Thornton as Captain Peacock
Wendy Richard as Miss Brahms
Nicholas Smith as Mr. Rumbold
Mike Berry as Mr. Spooner
Arthur English as Mr. Harman
Doremy Vernon as Diana Yarswick
Guest Starring Harold Bennett as Young Mr. Grace

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